Unpacking Life: Moving Abroad

Last month I went to my 20-year high school reunion. I wasn’t looking forward to the experience. While I had a small group of friends in high school that I had fallen out of touch with, I didn’t feel the pull to reconnect with the vast majority of my 400 student class. Plus that time felt so awkward in hindsight. And unlike what most late ninety’s Rom-coms taught us reunions were for, I had nothing to prove. Still I convinced myself to buy a ticket, stepping out of my comfort zone that would have seen me at home another night. And having purchased a ticket, my frugality propelled me to attend.

In the week prior, I was dreading having the same questions repeated: “How have you been? What are you doing now? Where do you live?” But what else can you ask people you haven’t seen in two decades? It was the last question - about where I lived - that sparked the most discussion, as repeatedly answered, “Here, but I’m moving to Paris next month”. It immediately became the most interesting thing about me.

The reunion was fun, after all

Just as I convinced myself to attend the reunion, I also persuaded myself to move to Paris. The decision was made a year ago, but unlike choosing a coffee order or a phone plan, these types of decisions require ongoing reaffirmation—much like sticking to a diet or exercise program, where you must commit to the decision every day.

I found myself overwhelmed by questions—questions that surely had answers, yet none that would wait for convenient times and kept me awake at night.

How do we get a visa?

What should we bring?

Where will we live?

What will we do with our stuff left behind?

How will we leave family?

Will anyone visit?

Of course, moving anywhere—especially abroad—is challenging. With each question, I had to reaffirm my decision. I’m young (relatively), parents (in-laws included) are healthy, and I’m not happy with life in this city. The reality is that all of these things will change—hopefully some much later than others. The sunk costs of non-refundable plane tickets and dream of Parisian possibilities propelled me forward, while the thought of being so distant from friends and family held me back.

I told myself that this wasn’t so different from the past. I had lived abroad for months before, and this time, I had already planned a return visit. But subconsciously there’s more weight to it. I knew it was going to be an adventure, and I would look back and be grateful for the experience. But in the midst of packing up my life, navigating myriad suitcases and long-haul flights, and generally being short on sleep, my fortitude to manage the emotions waned.

My mother-in-law identified that the heaviness we all felt stemmed from the sense of closing a life chapter. I was leaving a place that had become undesirable for the unknown.

It feels like a gamble, but also like progress. And I keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

• T.S. Eliot, from “Little Gidding”